And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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