my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i may or may not be watching the land before time
someone owes me an orgasm
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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