we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
