her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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