Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
