there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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