Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize