She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
