This dress was meant to end up on your floor
someone owes me an orgasm
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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