Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
