Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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