just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
