So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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