Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
