just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
