Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
