she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's blow job season.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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