This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
