So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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