hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
