Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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