When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
