going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
