Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
