don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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