Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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