We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
