Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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