So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
