I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
