just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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