literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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