Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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