You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
