Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
