Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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