dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
