yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i think my tv is drunk
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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