Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am spending my child support on dildos
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
