Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
