just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
