I was born with a shot glass in my hand
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
