a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize