I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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