I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
