brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
