so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
