my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
