Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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