I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
