Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
