Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize