every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
