while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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