stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
