The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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