I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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