I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
