he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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