I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
