captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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